YOUR FEELINGS MATTER!

I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about this week.  There have been so many things bothering me, and weighing heavy on my heart.  Since I have come forward with my truth, almost everyday I hear a new story.  It's not so much the stories that bother me, it's the people in the stories that are around the victims.  Like I continue to say, I am not any kind of therapist, I am just someone who wants to bring awareness to a horrific act.

It's bad enough anyone has to go through being molested or raped, but then to have selfish supporters is even worse.  I find that in the black community, talking about household issues outside of the home is forbidden.  As children we are taught to keep "home business" at home.  The problem comes in when the issues in the home are causing issues in the world.   As a child carrying around memories of the being raped, I can honestly say that it did not torment me in ways that I'm sure it could have.  Of course I remembered, but didn't really focus on it too much.  I made friends easily, had good grades, got along with my sister, respected adults, and never got into trouble.  So when anyone looked at me they saw a good kid.  No one would have ever suspected the unthinkable.  I truly give all credit to my Heavenly Father for protecting my mental state.  Even though my sister and I turned out fine, as well as many others I'm sure, this is not the case for everyone.  I met a wonderful Women of God this week, and she was talking to me about her ministry.  She told me that she ministers to women who are alcoholics and drug addicts.  Though they are in an addictive state and need assistance in that area, that is not the major problem.  They use drugs and alcohol to escape pains of their past.  A lot of times when we see people, we judge them for what they look like, or how they act.  The truth is we have no idea what they have been through.  Society deals with the right now issue, but what about the root of the problem?  What about that girl that had to endure her father coming into her bedroom every night?  What about that little boy that was taken into the shower by his cousin?  What about the child that was told if you don't let me do this to you, I'll do it to your sister, or your brother?  People, as disturbing as this may sound, there are children that are living this.  And although this angers me to the core, I think I really get angry at the people that have the nerve to tell these people to forget about it and move on with their life.  How dare somebody say that!!  They have every right to heal, and you just left them with no hope!

I strongly believe that the reason family members, friends, and sometimes church leaders tell these people to move on with life, is not for the benefit of the victims, but their own selfishness.  The truth always require people to do a self examination, and no one likes looking in the mirror.  The reason these victims are talking to you is because they are looking for answers.  They are scared to tell family members.  They are scared to tell spouses.  So they go to people who are close to them, to be let down once again.  If it sounds like I'm upset I am.  I didn't experience the rejection by my mother, or other close family and friends, but I don't know what I would have done, or how I would have felt if I did.

A message to those of you that are not victims of sexual abuse, but have friends and family that are, just listen to them.  Speaking from my own experiences, I need people to talk to sometimes.  I kept silent for so long, now that it has been released I just have to get it out.  I understand that this subject is considered taboo, and is very disturbing, but they need you.  Someone took their innocence away from them.  I understand that this is a very difficult topic.  When God gave me this assignment, I did not want to do it at first.  I'm always upbeat and cheerful.  I love being around people and laughing with them, and this is not making anybody laugh.  But I do understand the importance of bringing the awareness.

To all the victims or survivors.  First I want to point out something.  If you notice, I always reference victims and survivors separately.  There is a reason I do that.  The word victim means a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action.  The word survivor means a person who copes with a bad situation or affliction, and who gets through.  I was a victim for over 30 years.  I was silent, scared to speak and just suffering.  The moment I obeyed God's voice, and spoke up was the moment I became victorious!  Do you want to remain a victim, and continue with the wonders and the worries?  Wondering about what you should do?  Worrying about who you should tell?  The only person that is holding you back from becoming victorious is you.  Your abuser has moved on with their lives, and left you with the scars, and still controlling you.  God does not want you to be a slave to your abuser. If this was not true He would have not sent His only Son to the cross for you.  Jesus died and took all of our sins, hurt, pain, and sicknesses with Him so that we may have victory over every area of our lives.  You have the right to receive your healing even if you think you don't need it.  Sometimes it's hard for me to say these things, because it has not even been 6 months since I have come forward.  But I get it now!  I'm free, and now I want to share that freedom with you.  God loves you so much and He would never want to leave you in the dark.  Your voice has a right to be heard, and don't let anyone tell you differently!!  Your feelings matter!

I love you all and will talk to you next Thursday.  Have a wonderful week!!

FEAR

Why didn't you tell me?  Why didn't you tell your mom?  Did he threaten you?  I don't understand why you waited so long.  If it happened then, why didn't you say something at the time?  Why are you trying to ruin his life?  Why, why, why???  So many questions as to why victims will not speak up, why they are just now speaking up, or why they are speaking up at all.  I can go down a list of reasons why victims won't talk about their abuse.  I can speculate due to their circumstances.  I can even make up something because it sounds good.  But the truth of the matter, there is one main reason why sexual abuse is so often kept silent.  That reason is fear.

Because I still hear the "whys" about abuse, I decided to study the word fear to see if it can shine some light on many of the questions that I have been asked.  Of course there are several meanings, but there was one sentence I read that really hit home for me on Wikipedia.  It said that fear is frequently related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance.  As soon as I read that, I thought that is it!  At least for me anyway.  I remember several times I wanted to tell somebody, but as soon as I thought about the outcome of what I assumed would happen, I'd change my mind.  I didn't feel like dealing with it so I put it out of my mind.   I figured I'd deal with it later, the next day, or even the next week.  I didn't want to deal with the funny looks, or the sad faces, or even the tears.  I didn't want anyone looking at me with pity, or like I was now a charity case.  I felt I was strong, I didn't need all those tears and all those emotions.  I wanted to just tell it and wanted everybody else to just move on.  But if I was that strong, why did I allow fear to control me for so long??  Another why question, but this was now one that I was asking myself.

A lot of times when we are scared we scream, run away from something, cry, or even fight.  We tend to think that when we are in fear, we do something vocal or physical to defend ourselves.  But sometimes that defense is silence.  Fear is very powerful, and can bound someone for a lifetime.  Think about people that have different phobias.  I am just so glad that I was able to escape the stronghold that fear had over me.  I didn't even know that was the case until I became free.  In my case, I was not scared of my abuser.  I want people to know that, because it's not always the fear of them hurting you or anyone you know.  I know in some situations, the victim can be threatened, but not in every case.  My fear was more about the affect this would have on my family.  My fear was for their emotional protection and not my own.  So parents, please talk to your children and instill in them that it is okay for them to talk to you about anything.  We think we know everything about our children, but sometimes we don't know enough.  Don't be afraid to ask those questions.  Sometimes you have to be the voice that your children don't have.

I want to encourage any of my readers that are shaking in their boots, or have knots in their bellies.  It is normal to be scared, but I pray that the day will come that you can look back and wonder why you had such fear.  The Word tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7, for God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.  It is now time that you allow God to help you to take back your power, and take control of your life.  I am now able to speak to others to offer words of  encouragement, and you can do the same.  If I had continued to let fear rule me, I wouldn't be writing this blog today to speak to you.  Now that I look back I was being selfish.  I was only thinking of me and not you.  God can use anything in your life that the devil meant for evil, and turn it around to work for your good.  In the words of Kirk Franklin, "sorry fear, Grace took your place."

Have a wonderful week, I will talk to you next Thursday!

If you are in need of any professional assistance, please see the links at the bottom of this page.

Voices

Hello everyone! Thank you so much for reading my last blog. I know it may have been a little disturbing for you, but sadly abuse happens. I have received many responses in all different manners about my last post. I take this matter very seriously, so I always want to be very mindful of what I say. Due to the responses from my last post, I decided to touch on them a little bit.

When I decided to come forward about my abuse, I was only thinking of myself and my sister. My immediate goal was to just get it out. It had become such a burden on me. It was a load that I could no longer carry. I didn't even know who I wanted to tell, I just wanted it out. Well one thing I joke about is that God knows I have a big mouth, so if He wanted to get this out He certainly chose the right person! Now that I am no longer bound by this situation, I freely talk about it to anyone that wants to listen. My poor friend Andrea is getting more than an ear full! Anyway, since I have been telling my story, hands have been raised everywhere. They are not raised to ask me questions, but to say "me too." The stories go from unbelievable to horrifying. People, sexual abuse is real, and it is happening much more than we can even think or imagine. Of course I would never give any personal information, but I just want to world to know that it can happen to anybody. Abuse does not have a look.

When God revealed to me that this would be my assignment, he gave me the word Voices. I had no idea what it meant, and I'm still not 100% sure how I will use this word, but the more stories I hear, the more I am starting to see. These are voices of the voiceless. They have a story that no one can hear, because they just can't tell it. Some of them have spoken up, some have not. Sexual abuse is not a popular subject, in reality it is taboo. Families hide from it, pretend it's not happening, or just sweep it under the rug in hopes that no one will trip over it.

To my sisters and brothers that have been abused. I will say it now and I will continue to say it, YOUR VOICE HAS A RIGHT TO BE HEARD!! Jesus went to the cross so that we would not have to suffer anymore. Now it's time for us to walk in our deliverance. I truly understand how hard it seems, but once you unload that baggage, TRUE healing can begin. It is so therapeutic for me to write about my story. I had no idea how much healing needs to take place, until now. God is still healing me on a daily basis, and He can do the same for you. May God wrap you in his arms and give you the comfort you need.

For those that are interested, CWWIV - Christian Women Walking in Victory, has invited me to be a guest speaker on their Friday night teleconference call this Friday night, February 17th. I will be giving my testimony for the first time live. The number is 805-360-1000 Access Code 381722# Call starts at 7p (CTS). If you are available, please get on the call. God wants to set people free!!

Talk to you next week!



I really like this version of this song. My prayers go out to the family of Whitney Houston. I pray that God gives them comfort and peace during their time of bereavement.

My Journey to Freedom

Wow! I cannot believe this day has come. I am finally able and willing to share my story. There is so much I want to say, but I can't say it all in this one post. Freedom is a wonderful thing, because this was one thing that I was going to take to my grave!!

God has been picking at this sore spot for at least 4 years before I did anything about it. It seemed like every sermon at church was about it. On the news, all I heard was story after story about children speaking out against their abuser. And finally on Thursday, November 24, 2011, Thanksgiving evening, I surrendered to God's voice and broke the silence my sister and I had been holding for over 30 years. We were victims, and are now survivors of childhood sexual abuse. We were molested and raped by a family member when we were between the ages of 3 and 5. I know some survivors remember the length of time and their exact age, but because I was so young I can't remember the exact time, or how long the abuse occurred. I do, however, remember vivid details of what happened, what I had on, and where it happened. This is a memory that I will never forget.

It was not at all an easy decision to tell anyone. What really made me speak up was a story that we studied at a Tuesday night bible study. It was the story about Tamar, and how she was raped by her brother Amnon. After Tamar was raped and Amnon threw her out, she laid on the floor and cried. She felt worthless, like everything she had, had been taken from her. She prided herself in being a virgin, but her very own brother took one of the most precious things from her. The story just touched my heart because I felt her anger. I will never forget sitting in the Sanctuary with my stomach in knots because I knew it was time to speak up. This was in June of 2011. The very next day, on the way to work, I told my sister that I couldn't hold it anymore and I was going to tell. She, without hesitation, said okay, I've got your back. After all of that I still did not say anything until five months later on Thanksgiving. It was like the words were on the tip of my lips, but I just could not put any sound to them. Abusers have an unbelievable control over their victims that keeps them in a bondage that they don't even know they're in.

We first told a close cousin, who then convinced us to tell our mother. They believed us, as I knew they would, and was very supportive. We then decided to confront our abuser. Of course we had no idea what was going to come out of this, but at this point there was no turning back. I felt like I had made a huge mistake by even bringing all of this up, and maybe it was better when I kept silent. Deep down I knew that was far from the truth. When the phone call was finally made, and after 30 years of carrying his guilt and shame, he had the nerve to call us liars. What a devastating blow. Knowing that my sister and I were telling the truth, it turned into our word against his. Even though I knew this was definitely a possibility, just hearing the word liar was horrifying.

Like many survivors we kept this secret hidden for years. In actuality, we kept it "hidden" from each other. Growing up we never discussed anything that happened. There was however, and understanding of what went on, although nothing was exchanged verbally. The first question that is always asked is, "Why did you wait so long to say something?" If you are reading this and have gone through sexual abuse, then you understand. I don't think it is something you can explain. There is an underlining shame, fear of disappointing other family members, and partly to protect the abuser. I had so many thoughts of other people. How would my mother react to this news? I didn't want to hurt her. What about the family? Everyone is going to blame us for telling this story. People will call us liars, and say we made this entire thing up. What about the immediate family of the abuser? This will be devastating to them. The thoughts would go on and on. You think about everybody else but you. What I had to come to understand, and other victims as well, is that it was not my fault. I had no reason to feel guilty, or even ashamed. But it's amazing how guilt will creep in and have you believing that you are doing something wrong by telling the truth.

I now understand that holding on to my story and keeping it a secret will do more harm than good. Not just for me, but for other women, or even men, that share the same story. If you are reading this, and want to say something but just can't find the words, they are there. I completely understand how scary it can be. God is the restorer and the healer. He can mend every scar and every broken piece, if you trust Him and allow Him to. If you have to cry, cry. If you have to scream, scream. Whatever you need to get it out, please do. I am not a counselor, I am just someone who has been through the same thing you have. It's so unfortunate that this happens so often in our society. Once I decided to be open with my past, I have found that so many people, both men and women, have the same story.

There has to be an increased awareness of sexual abuse. God has directed me to become an advocate for adult survivors. I cannot thank Him enough for choosing me to be the Voice for so many people. He has given me a brand new freedom, and can give you the same thing. You don't have to be silent anymore. I pray that God gives you the strength to Move 4ward, and the peace that passes all understanding.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. It will be updated weekly on Thursdays. There is so much more to this journey. If you want to speak with me privately you may send me an e-mail, I will definitely respond. Or if you are seeking counseling, or any other assistance, please see the links at the bottom of my page. If you have a story that you would like to share, please do so. This blog is to support those who have suffered from abuse, and just need somewhere to be free. I understand the silence, I just broke free less than 6 months ago after 30 years.