My Journey to Freedom

Wow! I cannot believe this day has come. I am finally able and willing to share my story. There is so much I want to say, but I can't say it all in this one post. Freedom is a wonderful thing, because this was one thing that I was going to take to my grave!!

God has been picking at this sore spot for at least 4 years before I did anything about it. It seemed like every sermon at church was about it. On the news, all I heard was story after story about children speaking out against their abuser. And finally on Thursday, November 24, 2011, Thanksgiving evening, I surrendered to God's voice and broke the silence my sister and I had been holding for over 30 years. We were victims, and are now survivors of childhood sexual abuse. We were molested and raped by a family member when we were between the ages of 3 and 5. I know some survivors remember the length of time and their exact age, but because I was so young I can't remember the exact time, or how long the abuse occurred. I do, however, remember vivid details of what happened, what I had on, and where it happened. This is a memory that I will never forget.

It was not at all an easy decision to tell anyone. What really made me speak up was a story that we studied at a Tuesday night bible study. It was the story about Tamar, and how she was raped by her brother Amnon. After Tamar was raped and Amnon threw her out, she laid on the floor and cried. She felt worthless, like everything she had, had been taken from her. She prided herself in being a virgin, but her very own brother took one of the most precious things from her. The story just touched my heart because I felt her anger. I will never forget sitting in the Sanctuary with my stomach in knots because I knew it was time to speak up. This was in June of 2011. The very next day, on the way to work, I told my sister that I couldn't hold it anymore and I was going to tell. She, without hesitation, said okay, I've got your back. After all of that I still did not say anything until five months later on Thanksgiving. It was like the words were on the tip of my lips, but I just could not put any sound to them. Abusers have an unbelievable control over their victims that keeps them in a bondage that they don't even know they're in.

We first told a close cousin, who then convinced us to tell our mother. They believed us, as I knew they would, and was very supportive. We then decided to confront our abuser. Of course we had no idea what was going to come out of this, but at this point there was no turning back. I felt like I had made a huge mistake by even bringing all of this up, and maybe it was better when I kept silent. Deep down I knew that was far from the truth. When the phone call was finally made, and after 30 years of carrying his guilt and shame, he had the nerve to call us liars. What a devastating blow. Knowing that my sister and I were telling the truth, it turned into our word against his. Even though I knew this was definitely a possibility, just hearing the word liar was horrifying.

Like many survivors we kept this secret hidden for years. In actuality, we kept it "hidden" from each other. Growing up we never discussed anything that happened. There was however, and understanding of what went on, although nothing was exchanged verbally. The first question that is always asked is, "Why did you wait so long to say something?" If you are reading this and have gone through sexual abuse, then you understand. I don't think it is something you can explain. There is an underlining shame, fear of disappointing other family members, and partly to protect the abuser. I had so many thoughts of other people. How would my mother react to this news? I didn't want to hurt her. What about the family? Everyone is going to blame us for telling this story. People will call us liars, and say we made this entire thing up. What about the immediate family of the abuser? This will be devastating to them. The thoughts would go on and on. You think about everybody else but you. What I had to come to understand, and other victims as well, is that it was not my fault. I had no reason to feel guilty, or even ashamed. But it's amazing how guilt will creep in and have you believing that you are doing something wrong by telling the truth.

I now understand that holding on to my story and keeping it a secret will do more harm than good. Not just for me, but for other women, or even men, that share the same story. If you are reading this, and want to say something but just can't find the words, they are there. I completely understand how scary it can be. God is the restorer and the healer. He can mend every scar and every broken piece, if you trust Him and allow Him to. If you have to cry, cry. If you have to scream, scream. Whatever you need to get it out, please do. I am not a counselor, I am just someone who has been through the same thing you have. It's so unfortunate that this happens so often in our society. Once I decided to be open with my past, I have found that so many people, both men and women, have the same story.

There has to be an increased awareness of sexual abuse. God has directed me to become an advocate for adult survivors. I cannot thank Him enough for choosing me to be the Voice for so many people. He has given me a brand new freedom, and can give you the same thing. You don't have to be silent anymore. I pray that God gives you the strength to Move 4ward, and the peace that passes all understanding.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. It will be updated weekly on Thursdays. There is so much more to this journey. If you want to speak with me privately you may send me an e-mail, I will definitely respond. Or if you are seeking counseling, or any other assistance, please see the links at the bottom of my page. If you have a story that you would like to share, please do so. This blog is to support those who have suffered from abuse, and just need somewhere to be free. I understand the silence, I just broke free less than 6 months ago after 30 years.