It's been almost 4 months since we told our family about the abuse. It seems so much longer than that to me. But during that time I have told friends, strangers, Facebook, started a blog, did a recorded interview, and even made an appearance on a T.V. show. When I think about those things, I'm thinking look at God! I don't even know how all of that happened!! I just wanted to tell my mother, but I guess there were other plans as well. But to to be very honest, even though I am sharing my story with the world, I am still not totally free.
After all of my friends are gone, and my kids are sleep, and the lights are out, I'm left with me and God. Although people tell me how proud they are of me and my sister, and how strong we are, I don't necessarily feel that way. I have never truly been free with my emotions. I don't like being vulnerable, it is a very uncomfortable feeling for me. It's not easy for me to pour out my feelings or allow my "soft side" to be exposed. And now that I'm saying this, I'm sure the abuse has a lot to do with it. I'd rather tell a joke to make someone laugh, then to be naked and allow them to see any hurt that is in me. I've always had the mentality of "just get over it." It's funny how God will put you in a situation when you have no choice but to do things that you never thought you could do. The only thing that keeps me going is when I read or see other survivors tell their stories. They seem so brave, and so outspoken. That's when I realize the impact they have on me, and I just pray I have the same impact on someone else.
Everyday I'm learning more and more to be naked and unashamed. Y'all, this has not been an easy road at all. Emotions change from day to day. Sometimes I feel like shrinking back, and just saying forget it. Sometimes I feel like shouting it out to the world. Then there are days when I'm wondering when my life will go back to the way it was. But when it's all said and done, this is for the Glory of God and not my own. So when the feelings of shame, doubt, confusion, and even joy come, I know where I have to turn.
Spreading the awareness of sexual abuse is so important. No matter how hard the task may be, I will not allow my voice to go away. It was silent for way to long. I encourage each of you to speak up, even if it is to one person. You're voice has a right to be heard!!
That's all I have for this week. I pray you all have a blessed and prosperous week, and I will talk to you next Thursday!
Below is a video of a young lady who is speaking out against sexual abuse in a different way. This is awesome, please watch..
MOVING 4WARD is now on Facebook! We have dedicated a page for your support, encouragement, and information. Due to the sensitivity of the matter it is a closed group so that the public cannot view comments. If you would like to be added, let me know and I will add you to the group!
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