April is SAAM (Sexual Assault Awareness Month). Please join us this Friday. We will be sharing about the importance of raising the awareness of any type of sexual abuse. Dr. Gloria Johnson and Catina Lampkin of Life Source Consultants, along with myself will be the key speakers. If you know anyone battling with the effects of abuse, please invite them to come out. God wants to heal, deliver, restore, and set free!! The time has come, and silence will be a thing of the past!
This is for everyone and not just those who are victims. Everyone needs to learn about the signs, and ways to prevent sexual abuse. If you have children, we strongly suggest you come.
Isaiah 53:5 - He was wounded for our rebellious acts. He was crushed for our sins. He was punished so that we could have peace, and we received healing from his wounds.
This year Resurrection Sunday means so much more to me then usual. Of course every year we celebrate Easter, and we understand that because of Jesus' act of obedience, we are saved. Yesterday was Good Friday, and I was thinking about what to say in the blog this week. I started out talking about one thing, but then I realized that this is Easter weekend, and what better way to give Him the glory that is due than in my blog. Now more then ever, I can see the reasoning behind Jesus being sent to the cross. I'm assuming that most of you have seen the movie, Passion of the Christ. In this movie we see how He was whipped, abused, laughed at, mocked, and most of all nailed to the cross to die a slow death. The Word tells us that God sent His only Son to the cross for us. How many of you would send your child to the cross for people who hates him? None of us. That is what is so awesome about our God. He watched them torture Jesus for no reason. I can take what Jesus did for me and talk about it in so many different ways.
Let's talk about the abusers. As we know, there are sick individuals in this world that are violating our children. They are taking their innocence for their own pleasure. Even when a child screams, or tries to fight back, they don't care. As awful as this is, and as serious as this crime is, we still have to pray for them and forgive them. I know you are asking, how in the world do we forgive? Jesus went to Calvary for ALL mankind. He went to take the sin out of the world. He hates the sin, but loves the person. And because he went to the cross, hope is not lost. We are here to lift these individuals up in prayer, that they will change from there ways. Not only do we pray, but there is power in numbers. We can stand up against abuse, by speaking up and not remaining silent. Yes we will be talked about, and people will not understand why we continue to bring up the past. But as I said in a previous blog, there is purpose. We just have to make up in our minds that this walk is not about us, but about those that are coming behind us.
Now about me. In the scripture above it says, He was punished so that we may have peace. WOW! As you all know I struggled with coming forward about my cousin. I thought about everything and everybody but myself. I never had peace about it, even when I vowed I would take it to my grave. I just figured it was a part of life, and life goes on. I'm sure some of you have thought the same thing, or still think it now. If we continue to remain silent, then all we are saying is that Jesus went to the cross for other people and not me. He went so that we can have life, and have it more abundantly. I know you have been told that it is in the past, and just leave it there. But in order to be free, you must confront those issues that haunt you. God says to cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you. Look at all the pain an agony Jesus went through just so we can have life. He endured to show us that there is victory over everything that comes in our lives. Death, hell, and the grave, could not conquer him. He got up with all power in His hands! He is our all time example, not deserving anything that happened to Him. If He is our example, then what is it we need to do? I'm so glad you asked. We are to be an example for someone else. There are hurting people out there who just need to see a light in somebody else. They don't understand how they can get through the effects of being abused. How can we be a witness to someone else, when we can't even trust God to deliver us? Right now I am just so thankful that God smiled on me, and allowed me to be free. I am so thankful for my life. I'm in my right mind! I'm not suicidal, depressed, addicted to drugs or alcohol! I have joy in my heart, and the peace that passes all understanding. Thank you Jesus for dying just for me. I don't deserve anything that You have done, or will do for me. You love me unconditionally!! Even when I was purposely doing things that I had no business doing, You still loved me! I am so thankful that out of all the people in the world, You saw fit that I could be used!! As God uses me, I pray that I can be a light to someone else, even if it is just one person.
This Easter weekend, take a moment and just give God praise for Jesus. If it had not been for the blood, where would we be. HALLELUJAH!!!!!
Please join me Friday, April 20, 2012 at 7:00 p.m.
Ark of Safety Christian Church
2529 Charwood Street
St. Charles, MO 63301
I will be speaking, along with Dr. Gloria Johnson, and Catina Lampkin of Life Source Consultants. We will be talking about the importance of speaking up about sexual abuse. There will be free counselors on hand if needed. Hope to see you there!!!!
The month of April has been designated Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) in the United States. The goal of SAAM is to raise public awareness about sexual violence and to educate communities and individuals on how to prevent sexual violence.
TUESDAY APRIL 3, 2012
"A DAY OF ACTION"
THIS NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED DAY PROVIDES AN OPPORTUNITY FOR PREVENTION ADVOCATES TO ENGAGE WITH THEIR COMMUNITIES. THIS YEAR, PROCLAIM “IT’S TIME … TO TALK ABOUT IT” BY USING SOCIAL MEDIA TO JOIN THE CONVERSATION. BY CHANGING YOUR PROFILE PICTURES AND FOCUSING YOUR STATUS UPDATES, TWEETS, AND BLOG POSTS ON SAAM AND THE DAY OF ACTION, YOU CAN ENGAGE ONLINE COMMUNITIES IN SEXUAL VIOLENCE PREVENTION.
It is so necessary to realize the importance of the awareness of sexual abuse and sexual assault. One out of four women, and one out of six men have been sexually abused in their lifetime. Truthfully, these numbers are not exactly accurate because most cases of abuse are never reported. It's time to speak to our children about the truth behind sex, and sexual violence. This month take a stand in the prevention of sexual violence.
Please join me Friday, April 20, 2012 at 7:00 p.m.
Ark of Safety Christian Church
2529 Charwood Street
St. Charles, MO 63301
I will be speaking, along with Dr. Gloria Johnson, and Catina Lampkin of Life Source Consultants. We will be talking about the importance of speaking up about sexual abuse. There will be free counselors on hand if needed. Hope to see you there!!!!
Hello Readers!!! First let me start off with an apology. I am behind on my post from last week. It's good to know you all are actually reading my blogs! Thank you! I am in school as well, finally finishing my undergraduate degree in communications. This past week was finals, and after the class was done, so were a lot of things unfortunately. I lost a little bit of motivation.
I have so much to talk about this week! Like I said before, I lost my momentum this past week. Usually when that happens, I try to examine myself to see if there is something in my life that is blocking my ears from hearing from God. But sometimes He just remains silent so I can seek Him. Now I am nowhere near perfect, but I do like to do a self-examination every now and then. Well today was just the examination I needed. I, as well as a good friend of mine, was able to get tickets to go to the Oprah's Lifeclass. When I tell you it was so awesome, OMGEE!!! It was fantastic! Bishop T.D. Jakes was the special guest, and man did he have a Word. The topic of the class was, "Live on Purpose." I didn't have a pen or paper with me, because I surely wish I could have taken notes. Before I went to this show, I was questioning my assignment a little bit. I didn't want to start getting to a place where all I am doing is talking about the abuse, and just staying there. I was feeling like I was bringing things out in people, that maybe should have remained within in them. I know that sounds absolutely crazy, especially since I always say your voice has a right to be heard. But so many times I hear people say that you shouldn't be stuck in the past. They say you should just forgive, and move on, and don't stay there. So I was questioning whether or not I was actually moving forward, or just staying with this story. I hear so many stories of abuse, and it seems like those people just tell their story, and they're done. Here I am sharing mine with the world! I was thinking maybe I was making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be. But now I know that is far from the truth!
Live life on purpose, wow! Today at the Oprah Lifeclass, there were so many things that just hit home. Most of us know that we were created for a purpose. And if you don't know, well now you do, so your excuse is gone! I know now my purpose is to be an advocate and speak out against sexual abuse. It is also to encourage other women who have gone through abuse, to speak up as well. Our voices can be used to come against and stop this demonic behavior. Oprah made an excellent point about women always worrying about the thoughts of others. We don't want people to think that we think we are better, or we think we are all that. I am so guilty of that. As I said in my last blog, it has been less than six months since my sister and I have shared our story. I keep thinking that people are looking at me sideways, because either they are tired of hearing about it, or they have been open about it for years, and wondering who am I trying to be an advocate. I have yet to have personal counseling. But the real question I had to ask myself is, who am I not to be?? There is a saying that says something like, "somebody should do something about that, I guess that somebody is me!" I have always known that God wanted to use me for a higher purpose, and be an active leader. I just didn't know in what capacity. When you find your purpose in life, there will be questions and there will be doubts, but you cannot worry about what people say, think, or feel. I learned today that if you allow people to have a say so in your purpose, it will limit your vision. People have limitations on what they think you can accomplish. The truth is what God has spoken to you and what He has ordained, no one can do anything about it. I don't care if you have five college degrees, or dropped out of school. Don't let anyone, and ESPECIALLY yourself, talk you out of your purpose. There is too much work for us to do.
To all of my survivors or victims, you may be scared and feel like there is no hope for you. You may be scared of what others say, or that others may reject you. You may be correct, but so what!!! It's time to stop giving people the front seat of our lives, they don't deserve that place. Allow God to lead you in moving forward and speaking up. No one can tell you how you should feel, what you should say, or not say. I know that God does not want you to be a slave to your abuser. Whatever happened to you, you have every right to speak up!! It is okay to allow yourself to heal. As long as I have breath in my body, I will not be quiet. God gave me an assignment and I am sticking to it. Yes it gets scary and lonely, but I can't think of anything better I could be doing. Your silence can be the reason your blessings are hindered. It could even to tied to your purpose. Kirk Franklin has a song that says, "There's purpose in your pain, so don't throw it away." Meaning don't hold on to it by letting it control you, but turn it around and use it for the good of someone else. You have to learn to trust God with everything you have. How can you truly be healed when you are holding on to a pain that shouldn't belong to you. As many more begin to speak up, the world will start to understand that this is a serious matter, and it needs to end. People need to be disturbed and realize that there are children that even could be their own living with this silence, killing them softly. It's time to get busy and put an end to sexual abuse. I am fired up and pray that fire stays lit. It's so easy to get into a slump, and make up a ton of excuses. The time for excuses is over. We have to stop operating in fear, and operate in faith! It's time to MOVE 4WARD!!
Always remember, Your voice has a right to be heard!!!! I love you all so much!
From now on, my blogs will be published on Fridays. So I will talk to you again on Friday. Also if you know of anyone that can get something from my words, please feel free to send them here. MUAH!
MOVING 4WARD is now on Facebook! We have dedicated a page for your support, encouragement, and information. Due to the sensitivity of the matter it is a closed group so that the public cannot view comments. If you would like to be added, let me know and I will add you to the group!
It's been almost 4 months since we told our family about the abuse. It seems so much longer than that to me. But during that time I have told friends, strangers, Facebook, started a blog, did a recorded interview, and even made an appearance on a T.V. show. When I think about those things, I'm thinking look at God! I don't even know how all of that happened!! I just wanted to tell my mother, but I guess there were other plans as well. But to to be very honest, even though I am sharing my story with the world, I am still not totally free.
After all of my friends are gone, and my kids are sleep, and the lights are out, I'm left with me and God. Although people tell me how proud they are of me and my sister, and how strong we are, I don't necessarily feel that way. I have never truly been free with my emotions. I don't like being vulnerable, it is a very uncomfortable feeling for me. It's not easy for me to pour out my feelings or allow my "soft side" to be exposed. And now that I'm saying this, I'm sure the abuse has a lot to do with it. I'd rather tell a joke to make someone laugh, then to be naked and allow them to see any hurt that is in me. I've always had the mentality of "just get over it." It's funny how God will put you in a situation when you have no choice but to do things that you never thought you could do. The only thing that keeps me going is when I read or see other survivors tell their stories. They seem so brave, and so outspoken. That's when I realize the impact they have on me, and I just pray I have the same impact on someone else.
Everyday I'm learning more and more to be naked and unashamed. Y'all, this has not been an easy road at all. Emotions change from day to day. Sometimes I feel like shrinking back, and just saying forget it. Sometimes I feel like shouting it out to the world. Then there are days when I'm wondering when my life will go back to the way it was. But when it's all said and done, this is for the Glory of God and not my own. So when the feelings of shame, doubt, confusion, and even joy come, I know where I have to turn.
Spreading the awareness of sexual abuse is so important. No matter how hard the task may be, I will not allow my voice to go away. It was silent for way to long. I encourage each of you to speak up, even if it is to one person. You're voice has a right to be heard!!
That's all I have for this week. I pray you all have a blessed and prosperous week, and I will talk to you next Thursday!
Below is a video of a young lady who is speaking out against sexual abuse in a different way. This is awesome, please watch..
MOVING 4WARD is now on Facebook! We have dedicated a page for your support, encouragement, and information. Due to the sensitivity of the matter it is a closed group so that the public cannot view comments. If you would like to be added, let me know and I will add you to the group!
Hi everyone! Before I get started today, I just want to take out the time to thank you for all of your support and kind words. They are very much appreciated. It is a blessing for others to see that there are people who care, and want to give their support. It's not always easy to type every week, but it is very much worth it. MUAH!!!
This week I wanted to share something uplifting. Though this is a sensitive subject, there should always be time to take five and smile. Everything in my life is not perfect, as a matter of fact somethings are just down right jacked up! But I will not allow anything to steal my joy. I am a single mother with three children, and they keep me extremely busy. I work and go to school full time. And now I am a blogger! Although I barely have time to sit down and breathe, God has allowed me to find joy in my circumstances. There are times when I am so sick and tired of talking about the abuse. There are also times when I think you are sick of me talking about the abuse. But when I think about all the women, as well as men, that are holding a secret, I know I have to move myself out of the way and move forward into my assignment.
I remember a time when I was about six years old and I was playing with a doll, or some toy, in my mother's room. I was just doing what six year olds do. While I was on her bed I can remember as plain as day something said to me, "there is something special about you." At the time I remember thinking in my head, wow there is something special about me. I didn't know what it was, and honestly didn't really pay it anymore attention, but I will never forget it. I truly believe that was God's way of protecting my mind. He knew that a time would come when I would have to remember that. His love is absolutely amazing! Now I do have to admit that right before I started blogging when I was trying to understand my assignment, I questioned some things. My thought was that if God knew this was my purpose and my assignment, then He surely had to have known that I was going to be a victim of childhood rape. So if that is the case, and He knew that, then why would He have allowed me to endure something like that? I didn't question for long, because one thing that I did know was that God would never purposely make that situation happen. Sadly we live in a sinful world, and people will not always make wise choices. It's terrible that things of this nature happen, but they do. I also know that no matter what happens in my life, good or bad, it will all work out for my good. In this case not only for my good, but for the good of others. Now other people can know my past, and see that even though it was not favorable, I still have a smile on my face! Although you may have gone through the same thing as me, or may have experienced another form of abuse, I want you to know that weeping only endures for a night. I wept for over 30 years, and didn't even know it!! I wasn't physically weeping, but the silence was draining me emotionally. If you all could know the joy I have in my heart today. I am no longer bound! Amazing that a terrible situation that was meant to destroy me, ended up being the one thing to turn my whole world around. My breakthrough came when I finally decided to open up mouth and allow victory to come forth. Amazing!!!
I held on to that 3/4 year old little girl all these years. When my sister and I first told our cousin what happened, she wanted us to immediately tell our mother, but we were resistant. I remember her stepping back and looking at us. Her words were, "why are you two acting like you're still 4 and 5?" At that moment I thought she is absolutely right! We held on to those little girls all that time. While we were so busy trying to bury that situation, we were also burying peace, hope, and joy. I'm sure somebody is thinking, how can you have joy out of that situation? I no longer have the burden of holding on to it. It's out now, and hiding that part of my life is no longer an option. I found out how to be naked and unashamed. Whatever you are holding on to that is keeping tears in your heart, it's time to let it go! Weeping endures for a night, but joy will come in the morning! Be encouraged, and remember your voice has a right to be heard!
Have a fantastic week!
MOVING 4WARD is now on Facebook! We have dedicated a page for your support, encouragement, and information. Due to the sensitivity of the matter it is a closed group so that the public cannot view comments. If you would like to be added, let me know and I will add you to the group!
I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about this week. There have been so many things bothering me, and weighing heavy on my heart. Since I have come forward with my truth, almost everyday I hear a new story. It's not so much the stories that bother me, it's the people in the stories that are around the victims. Like I continue to say, I am not any kind of therapist, I am just someone who wants to bring awareness to a horrific act.
It's bad enough anyone has to go through being molested or raped, but then to have selfish supporters is even worse. I find that in the black community, talking about household issues outside of the home is forbidden. As children we are taught to keep "home business" at home. The problem comes in when the issues in the home are causing issues in the world. As a child carrying around memories of the being raped, I can honestly say that it did not torment me in ways that I'm sure it could have. Of course I remembered, but didn't really focus on it too much. I made friends easily, had good grades, got along with my sister, respected adults, and never got into trouble. So when anyone looked at me they saw a good kid. No one would have ever suspected the unthinkable. I truly give all credit to my Heavenly Father for protecting my mental state. Even though my sister and I turned out fine, as well as many others I'm sure, this is not the case for everyone. I met a wonderful Women of God this week, and she was talking to me about her ministry. She told me that she ministers to women who are alcoholics and drug addicts. Though they are in an addictive state and need assistance in that area, that is not the major problem. They use drugs and alcohol to escape pains of their past. A lot of times when we see people, we judge them for what they look like, or how they act. The truth is we have no idea what they have been through. Society deals with the right now issue, but what about the root of the problem? What about that girl that had to endure her father coming into her bedroom every night? What about that little boy that was taken into the shower by his cousin? What about the child that was told if you don't let me do this to you, I'll do it to your sister, or your brother? People, as disturbing as this may sound, there are children that are living this. And although this angers me to the core, I think I really get angry at the people that have the nerve to tell these people to forget about it and move on with their life. How dare somebody say that!! They have every right to heal, and you just left them with no hope!
I strongly believe that the reason family members, friends, and sometimes church leaders tell these people to move on with life, is not for the benefit of the victims, but their own selfishness. The truth always require people to do a self examination, and no one likes looking in the mirror. The reason these victims are talking to you is because they are looking for answers. They are scared to tell family members. They are scared to tell spouses. So they go to people who are close to them, to be let down once again. If it sounds like I'm upset I am. I didn't experience the rejection by my mother, or other close family and friends, but I don't know what I would have done, or how I would have felt if I did.
A message to those of you that are not victims of sexual abuse, but have friends and family that are, just listen to them. Speaking from my own experiences, I need people to talk to sometimes. I kept silent for so long, now that it has been released I just have to get it out. I understand that this subject is considered taboo, and is very disturbing, but they need you. Someone took their innocence away from them. I understand that this is a very difficult topic. When God gave me this assignment, I did not want to do it at first. I'm always upbeat and cheerful. I love being around people and laughing with them, and this is not making anybody laugh. But I do understand the importance of bringing the awareness.
To all the victims or survivors. First I want to point out something. If you notice, I always reference victims and survivors separately. There is a reason I do that. The word victim means a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action. The word survivor means a person who copes with a bad situation or affliction, and who gets through. I was a victim for over 30 years. I was silent, scared to speak and just suffering. The moment I obeyed God's voice, and spoke up was the moment I became victorious! Do you want to remain a victim, and continue with the wonders and the worries? Wondering about what you should do? Worrying about who you should tell? The only person that is holding you back from becoming victorious is you. Your abuser has moved on with their lives, and left you with the scars, and still controlling you. God does not want you to be a slave to your abuser. If this was not true He would have not sent His only Son to the cross for you. Jesus died and took all of our sins, hurt, pain, and sicknesses with Him so that we may have victory over every area of our lives. You have the right to receive your healing even if you think you don't need it. Sometimes it's hard for me to say these things, because it has not even been 6 months since I have come forward. But I get it now! I'm free, and now I want to share that freedom with you. God loves you so much and He would never want to leave you in the dark. Your voice has a right to be heard, and don't let anyone tell you differently!! Your feelings matter!
I love you all and will talk to you next Thursday. Have a wonderful week!!
Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell your mom? Did he threaten you? I don't understand why you waited so long. If it happened then, why didn't you say something at the time? Why are you trying to ruin his life? Why, why, why??? So many questions as to why victims will not speak up, why they are just now speaking up, or why they are speaking up at all. I can go down a list of reasons why victims won't talk about their abuse. I can speculate due to their circumstances. I can even make up something because it sounds good. But the truth of the matter, there is one main reason why sexual abuse is so often kept silent. That reason is fear.
Because I still hear the "whys" about abuse, I decided to study the word fear to see if it can shine some light on many of the questions that I have been asked. Of course there are several meanings, but there was one sentence I read that really hit home for me on Wikipedia. It said that fear is frequently related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance. As soon as I read that, I thought that is it! At least for me anyway. I remember several times I wanted to tell somebody, but as soon as I thought about the outcome of what I assumed would happen, I'd change my mind. I didn't feel like dealing with it so I put it out of my mind. I figured I'd deal with it later, the next day, or even the next week. I didn't want to deal with the funny looks, or the sad faces, or even the tears. I didn't want anyone looking at me with pity, or like I was now a charity case. I felt I was strong, I didn't need all those tears and all those emotions. I wanted to just tell it and wanted everybody else to just move on. But if I was that strong, why did I allow fear to control me for so long?? Another why question, but this was now one that I was asking myself.
A lot of times when we are scared we scream, run away from something, cry, or even fight. We tend to think that when we are in fear, we do something vocal or physical to defend ourselves. But sometimes that defense is silence. Fear is very powerful, and can bound someone for a lifetime. Think about people that have different phobias. I am just so glad that I was able to escape the stronghold that fear had over me. I didn't even know that was the case until I became free. In my case, I was not scared of my abuser. I want people to know that, because it's not always the fear of them hurting you or anyone you know. I know in some situations, the victim can be threatened, but not in every case. My fear was more about the affect this would have on my family. My fear was for their emotional protection and not my own. So parents, please talk to your children and instill in them that it is okay for them to talk to you about anything. We think we know everything about our children, but sometimes we don't know enough. Don't be afraid to ask those questions. Sometimes you have to be the voice that your children don't have.
I want to encourage any of my readers that are shaking in their boots, or have knots in their bellies. It is normal to be scared, but I pray that the day will come that you can look back and wonder why you had such fear. The Word tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7, for God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. It is now time that you allow God to help you to take back your power, and take control of your life. I am now able to speak to others to offer words of encouragement, and you can do the same. If I had continued to let fear rule me, I wouldn't be writing this blog today to speak to you. Now that I look back I was being selfish. I was only thinking of me and not you. God can use anything in your life that the devil meant for evil, and turn it around to work for your good. In the words of Kirk Franklin, "sorry fear, Grace took your place."
Have a wonderful week, I will talk to you next Thursday!
If you are in need of any professional assistance, please see the links at the bottom of this page.
Hello everyone! Thank you so much for reading my last blog. I know it may have been a little disturbing for you, but sadly abuse happens. I have received many responses in all different manners about my last post. I take this matter very seriously, so I always want to be very mindful of what I say. Due to the responses from my last post, I decided to touch on them a little bit.
When I decided to come forward about my abuse, I was only thinking of myself and my sister. My immediate goal was to just get it out. It had become such a burden on me. It was a load that I could no longer carry. I didn't even know who I wanted to tell, I just wanted it out. Well one thing I joke about is that God knows I have a big mouth, so if He wanted to get this out He certainly chose the right person! Now that I am no longer bound by this situation, I freely talk about it to anyone that wants to listen. My poor friend Andrea is getting more than an ear full! Anyway, since I have been telling my story, hands have been raised everywhere. They are not raised to ask me questions, but to say "me too." The stories go from unbelievable to horrifying. People, sexual abuse is real, and it is happening much more than we can even think or imagine. Of course I would never give any personal information, but I just want to world to know that it can happen to anybody. Abuse does not have a look.
When God revealed to me that this would be my assignment, he gave me the word Voices. I had no idea what it meant, and I'm still not 100% sure how I will use this word, but the more stories I hear, the more I am starting to see. These are voices of the voiceless. They have a story that no one can hear, because they just can't tell it. Some of them have spoken up, some have not. Sexual abuse is not a popular subject, in reality it is taboo. Families hide from it, pretend it's not happening, or just sweep it under the rug in hopes that no one will trip over it.
To my sisters and brothers that have been abused. I will say it now and I will continue to say it, YOUR VOICE HAS A RIGHT TO BE HEARD!! Jesus went to the cross so that we would not have to suffer anymore. Now it's time for us to walk in our deliverance. I truly understand how hard it seems, but once you unload that baggage, TRUE healing can begin. It is so therapeutic for me to write about my story. I had no idea how much healing needs to take place, until now. God is still healing me on a daily basis, and He can do the same for you. May God wrap you in his arms and give you the comfort you need.
For those that are interested, CWWIV - Christian Women Walking in Victory, has invited me to be a guest speaker on their Friday night teleconference call this Friday night, February 17th. I will be giving my testimony for the first time live. The number is 805-360-1000 Access Code 381722# Call starts at 7p (CTS). If you are available, please get on the call. God wants to set people free!!
Talk to you next week!
I really like this version of this song. My prayers go out to the family of Whitney Houston. I pray that God gives them comfort and peace during their time of bereavement.
Wow! I cannot believe this day has come. I am finally able and willing to share my story. There is so much I want to say, but I can't say it all in this one post. Freedom is a wonderful thing, because this was one thing that I was going to take to my grave!!
God has been picking at this sore spot for at least 4 years before I did anything about it. It seemed like every sermon at church was about it. On the news, all I heard was story after story about children speaking out against their abuser. And finally on Thursday, November 24, 2011, Thanksgiving evening, I surrendered to God's voice and broke the silence my sister and I had been holding for over 30 years. We were victims, and are now survivors of childhood sexual abuse. We were molested and raped by a family member when we were between the ages of 3 and 5. I know some survivors remember the length of time and their exact age, but because I was so young I can't remember the exact time, or how long the abuse occurred. I do, however, remember vivid details of what happened, what I had on, and where it happened. This is a memory that I will never forget.
It was not at all an easy decision to tell anyone. What really made me speak up was a story that we studied at a Tuesday night bible study. It was the story about Tamar, and how she was raped by her brother Amnon. After Tamar was raped and Amnon threw her out, she laid on the floor and cried. She felt worthless, like everything she had, had been taken from her. She prided herself in being a virgin, but her very own brother took one of the most precious things from her. The story just touched my heart because I felt her anger. I will never forget sitting in the Sanctuary with my stomach in knots because I knew it was time to speak up. This was in June of 2011. The very next day, on the way to work, I told my sister that I couldn't hold it anymore and I was going to tell. She, without hesitation, said okay, I've got your back. After all of that I still did not say anything until five months later on Thanksgiving. It was like the words were on the tip of my lips, but I just could not put any sound to them. Abusers have an unbelievable control over their victims that keeps them in a bondage that they don't even know they're in.
We first told a close cousin, who then convinced us to tell our mother. They believed us, as I knew they would, and was very supportive. We then decided to confront our abuser. Of course we had no idea what was going to come out of this, but at this point there was no turning back. I felt like I had made a huge mistake by even bringing all of this up, and maybe it was better when I kept silent. Deep down I knew that was far from the truth. When the phone call was finally made, and after 30 years of carrying his guilt and shame, he had the nerve to call us liars. What a devastating blow. Knowing that my sister and I were telling the truth, it turned into our word against his. Even though I knew this was definitely a possibility, just hearing the word liar was horrifying.
Like many survivors we kept this secret hidden for years. In actuality, we kept it "hidden" from each other. Growing up we never discussed anything that happened. There was however, and understanding of what went on, although nothing was exchanged verbally. The first question that is always asked is, "Why did you wait so long to say something?" If you are reading this and have gone through sexual abuse, then you understand. I don't think it is something you can explain. There is an underlining shame, fear of disappointing other family members, and partly to protect the abuser. I had so many thoughts of other people. How would my mother react to this news? I didn't want to hurt her. What about the family? Everyone is going to blame us for telling this story. People will call us liars, and say we made this entire thing up. What about the immediate family of the abuser? This will be devastating to them. The thoughts would go on and on. You think about everybody else but you. What I had to come to understand, and other victims as well, is that it was not my fault. I had no reason to feel guilty, or even ashamed. But it's amazing how guilt will creep in and have you believing that you are doing something wrong by telling the truth.
I now understand that holding on to my story and keeping it a secret will do more harm than good. Not just for me, but for other women, or even men, that share the same story. If you are reading this, and want to say something but just can't find the words, they are there. I completely understand how scary it can be. God is the restorer and the healer. He can mend every scar and every broken piece, if you trust Him and allow Him to. If you have to cry, cry. If you have to scream, scream. Whatever you need to get it out, please do. I am not a counselor, I am just someone who has been through the same thing you have. It's so unfortunate that this happens so often in our society. Once I decided to be open with my past, I have found that so many people, both men and women, have the same story.
There has to be an increased awareness of sexual abuse. God has directed me to become an advocate for adult survivors. I cannot thank Him enough for choosing me to be the Voice for so many people. He has given me a brand new freedom, and can give you the same thing. You don't have to be silent anymore. I pray that God gives you the strength to Move 4ward, and the peace that passes all understanding.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. It will be updated weekly on Thursdays. There is so much more to this journey. If you want to speak with me privately you may send me an e-mail, I will definitely respond. Or if you are seeking counseling, or any other assistance, please see the links at the bottom of my page. If you have a story that you would like to share, please do so. This blog is to support those who have suffered from abuse, and just need somewhere to be free. I understand the silence, I just broke free less than 6 months ago after 30 years.
